Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Desperation

Well if I had to post a mood status I think it would be quite difficult. While i expect today to be much better than yesterday, im still working on it. i kind of wish i had some reasoning to go along with all of this but i don't. been down all week, and part of last week. i can barely concentrate, feel like i'm in a fog at times. very frusterated and can't seem to shake it. one thing and the only thing coming to mind is my desperation for God. like an unquenched thirst or hunger, im there. i want more. i want to go deeper and deeper to where i know nothing but Him. We are almost right in the middle of Lent and that means different things to everyone but i happen to be learning something new....temptation isn't always in the form of something material or physical. it may or may not be the thing we have chosen to "give up or do without" thats tempting us. for me, its been an all out "anything goes" tempting. the temptation of negativity, carelessness, laziness, frusteration, wrong thoughts/attitudes/actions. its all the same. typically, i don't allow myself to get so "low" that these things have a chance to manifest or become obvious to anyone, however i must recognize there are forces of darkness that want nothing better than to trip me up. and, it can be the simplest things. it doesn't have to be a huge circumstance. its as if anything and everything i attempt to go and do (just normal everyday things) get interrupted, delayed, changed or stopped. and i have to say, the little things get to me the most. like why can't i just get out and try to go about my merry way without everything having to be so hard or some kind of ordeal. its as if i've lost my peace in life. i don't know why, i suppose we don't always know, but it happens none the less. one teeny tiny incident can ruin every bit of progress we are making or trying to make. so what's the lesson here? im stuck. normally i can just say to myself, "well obviously you haven't been checking your agenda with God's lately". but i thought i had. one of two things:1. i am either absolutely off on some tangent in life and left God behind, or 2. i am EXACTLY WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE AND THE devil HATES IT. perhaps you have been dealing with similar thoughts. lets ask the Father, and see where we get.....and by the way, we should always be desperate for more. so, maybe i'm just trying to get used to that, my "new skin" so to speak, or lack of. (i.e. flesh vs spirit)

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